Discombobulated

So it's the middle of the night and my head's just a whirl of activity again. I have so much just going on that I don't even know what to focus on. All of it's too personal to just go on about on here but the emotional crusade that's happening isn't.

If I had to choose colours for what I'm feeling, I think I would choose reds, black, gray, yellow, blue and brown. I don't know exactly why, but that's what comes to mind. Sometimes when my mental state is in turmoil I just try to imagine it in colours. It distracts my mind and is harder to  do than it should be. I'm pretty sure I can see colours in my head but every time I try to focus on it, it fades away like the little floaties in the corner of your eye. I dream in colour so it shouldn't be so hard to think in colour, don't you think? Try it. Think about the colour baby blue. Can you see it? I can't. I know what it looks like. I just can't see it in my head. The brain is just funny like that I guess. I know it's capable of forming pictures in colours and such but actually try to have it do that and it's all 'oh noes I can't do that! What you making me do, fo? I can't do that! Bad, Sofia, Bad!"

Minds are just funny funny things. They reap some serious havoc to anyone trying to use them. The more you think the worse it gets. It's capable of such amazing things and processes but fails you the more you focus on them. It's like those crazy 3D art things. You know those crazy pictures where you have to not focus on them to get the picture to focus then focus on it to tell what you're seeing and all you get is a headache and everyone has to look them up in the back of the book to know what they are looking for before they can see it. I used to be passably good at those things but then I didn't see one for a long time and next time one was brought to my attention I sucked at it. My English teach in high school had a Disney one. I could see the Mickey ears on the cover but nothing else. I looked all of them up in the back and even though I could get the picture to pop, I couldn't actually see anything. I failed horrible at it.

Seeing things for me is a more attuned skill than smelling and tasting though. I have a horrible sense of smell and taste. It's interrelated for sure. You need one for the other, but mine's just horrible. I can't smell most things that other people smell and I don't have a strong sense of taste anymore. I'm not sure when things started turning this way for me but during all of this year for sure. I still smell things but subtle and some obvious things, I just don't realize some even when other people notice and bring it up. Me nostrils fail me.

You know what doesn't fail me? My hearing. I hear things I'm probably not supposed to hear. Like late at night when all through my room things are creaking. I swear I can hear the same noises my hamsters used to make in their cage of eating and roaming around, which could mean mice but for the life of me I can't find them anywhere in the room or even places they could be hiding. I just hear noises and things everywhere. I've learned to ignore most of them, but geeze I can't believe how many creaking noises there are everywhere I go.Not just creaking just little things here and there that you only hear if you stop and just listen. That's also a great thing to just do sometimes. It really causes fun with your head and perspectives. I just don't recommend it for people with night time jitters to do it at night before falling asleep. The noises you'll hear will mess with your imagination and you'll never get to sleep. Ever again in your life. Sorry if I cause this for you. I hear there's a drink called Sleepytime that will fix that.