Dreams of a Dying Star

I'm finally hitting that stage in my education where the future really matters. I have to think about exactly what I want to do, what I want to continue studying for, where I want to head and what will pay my bills and feed me. Ideally, I should have been thinking of this when I started college, not just going head first into junior year.

I spent a lot of time traveling in the world before this point. Australia, New Zealand, England and Wales. I loved the freedom of being out in the world, meeting all kinds of people, trusting all kinds of people, learning more than I thought I would from locals and just being out there. My time in England and Wales, showed me how much I did love my major and want to pursue a career in my field. I just have so little idea about how to go about that, and sitting in a classroom back in Ohio makes these aspirations fade again.

When I was little, throughout all phases of childhood there was one thing I always wanted to do. Travel. I wanted to be that person backpacking around the world. I wanted to be a photojournalist for National Geographic taking breathtaking photos in the most exotic of locations. But having traveled some, I hate that I have joined in the cliches of loving being home. If I wanted to be completely honest there is a specific reason that home holds me stronger than the wonders of the world and without it, there would be nothing keeping me from running away, if only to forget it.

However, outside that, talking it out with my lovely housemates, I realized, I don't need all the traveling to be happy. Sure I want to be able to travel, but I am happy having a stationary home to cuddle and watch my laptop in. I don't need a lot in life. Simplicity is golden and wonderful. All those childhood dreams of being like a comet, always moving, no destination only a journey, are dying away in me as I get older. I want to see the world, but I want to spend it at home sometimes too. I want that person beside me to share it all with yada yada cliche cliche cliche.

I think every year I come up with something else I want to do with my life. This type of thing scares me more than anything. How can I know when nothing sticks? The more I learn, the more that fascinates me, but never enough for a full career. I just give up on things as easily as I was drawn to them. To quote Elton John

"The more I learn, the more I see
The less the world impassions me
The hungry heart, the roving eye
Have come to rest, do not apply
The frantic chase, the crazy ride
The thrill has gone, I step aside"

 For all things college is supposed to be, it has been just a time of putting off the inevitable and a delay to me having to accept responsibility for a means to sustain and provide for myself. I don't know what I'm learning and I don't know what to do with it. People around me are meeting with employers, have plans, know where they're moving to continue school, and just know. I don't understand how they can or how they got there. I just go with the day and freak out the rest. I don't even have an official resume to go for any job. I can't even chose a topic for my term papers that are due next month.

All the dreams we're supposed to bring with s through our life. They weigh me down, more than boost me up. All the things I could be or could do just make me feel more burdened with finding the right fit and trying and failing or succeeding. They are condensing together and pulling my insides deeper and deeper in until I fall too far or they explode.

I don't know my future and for the first time, it scares the hell out of me.

I'm justa swimming around

So during the orientation program, we lucky study abroad children, were taken to the Great Barrier Reef for some sun, fish and salt water intakes til your throat hurt. And I mean it. Salt water fucking kills when you swallow too much. Yeah we aren't supposed to swallow it, but trying to snorkel in the midst of water ripples higher than the snorkel and yelling "TWO" into it, to punch out the water, while attempting to take pictures of fish and the reef and stay afloat, does not work for me. I mean, here I am underwater yelling "TWO" every couple seconds and trying to snap photos. 

So using this snap picture, choke on water, try to float method, I spent about 40 minutes seeing the same few stretches of coral. While yelling muted at all the fish in the ocean to clear my snorkel. Luckily enough, some photos did turn out nicely though. 

So after snorkeling for a while, it was mine turn to group up and go scuda diving. I was so excited for this. I had talked to some of the guys that had gone before and they had loved it so much and were raving about it. 

So they line us up at the edge of the boat to get out tanks and things for diving. We have to wait while they refill the tanks since they had just been used for the last group. You have to strap it on with a vest and a bunch of buckles. I'm sitting on this bench all excited when they tell us to stand up to go jump off the boat. Now here's the thing about the tank and strappings. They are seriously heavy. I made it about 4 inches off the bench and slammed back down. This thing was so freaking heavy, I thought I was gonna just sink to the bottom of the ocean with it. I managed to heft it slowly to the edge of the boat to jump in. The weight difference when in the water is seriously amazing! It just rests so easily on your back with no concern in the world. 

The Scuba Diving was amazing and breath taking, but unfortunately for me, when I was a child I would always get swimmers ear and ear infections from water. With this, the entire time I was under the ocean trying to look at the beautiful world, my ear wouldn't pop and it hurt like hell. Also I sucked at having my head at the right angle so water kept getting into my goggles. I also kept sinking towards the ground, because they put too many weights on me. I kicked some coral in the face a few times, and the instructor had to keep yanking me up off the ground. 

I finally made it back safe to the boat and climbing out was hell and hard to do. I was tired and the tank was heavy yet again. I managed to drag myself up and out, but I didn't go back in the water at that location again. 

Sinful Pleasure

So growing up, when it came to fast food burger place, my family always chose Wendy's. My parents both worked there and that was the majority of the rational. We rarely did McDonald's, and by time I entered high school, I never had McDonald's. This clashed greatly with my best friend, Michelle, who refused to have Wendy's and always wanted McDonald's.

So then I start college and the town i go in, has a bus that takes you straight to Mcdonalds and nothing that will take you near Wendys. I don't have any modes of transportation besides my razor scooter and that takes me about 40 minutes to scooter to Wendys.

I fought Mcdonalds but then in my second year I started work at IT Services. One of my night shifts, one co-worker would bring in food for people and she started bringing in Mcdonalds. This was the beginning of a curse for me. Every week turned into multiple times a week. I couldn't stop eating Mcdonalds. The stuff's like crack.

I traveled to Australia in second semester and bam, Mcdonalds there too. It tasted better with fresher ingredients.

I traveled to England in summer. mcdonalds there. Tasted worse. But I still ate it. I was forced to slow down my intake because it was so far away and expensive.

When I came home I spent time around a friend that refuses to eat there. this kept me cold turkey and away.

I'm finally doing better now, over a year later. I still get cravings sometimes, but my friend;s influence has weened me off the stuff. If I want a burger there's a Mom and Pop shop with such better burgers.

But I am also back on campus. With that closer Mcdonalds, lurking up the road, waiting for me with it 24 hour dinning hall. Waiting to suck me back down again.

I came to a Land Down Under

So today is day 2 for my study attempts in Australia! I am currently in Cairns in north west Australia aka Queensland aka the Sunny State! It's the most beautiful place here. The city is surrounded by the most gorgeous hills.

 The plane ride over was really long. I did get the most amazing picture of a rainbow on the Pacific.

So we're staying at this hostel named Gilligan's.

It's a pretty amazing place. They have a huge pool in the back lagoon style. 

This is the view from my window. 

We had our first meeting in the upstairs bar called the Attic. This place has a lot of sweet stuff just shoved everywhere and it just occurred to me the significance now. 

We had another meeting later that was a learning session to help break us into Australian culture and life here. We got prizes for answering questions or saying something smartassy. I got a kola for explaining constitutional monarchy. 

We did a walk around Cairns the second day, it was really really pretty. 

The water is the public pool called the lagoon. They have to swim there cause there's too many jelly fish in the water. They call them Stingers. 

That's all for now, but more as my time goes on!

Scrubs, What Have You Done to Me?

So I've been watching Scrubs because it was put on Netflix instance watch and I just finished it yesterday. Besides the show being hilarious in so many ways, and almost as quotable as Seinfeld, J.D.'s morals at the end of the show are actually things that are worth trying to realize in your own life. 
So in clichéd fashion, I complied a list of some of my favorites because I wanted to say something about them but didn't bother thinking up anything new for a method of distribution. Here goes:

•  There is no Shangri-La, you know? Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things really suck.
• You know, when you stop being frightened, time really is on your side. And you can just go on being you. 
•  It's hard to take positive steps, when you've burned the bridge you got to walk across. 
•  It's the kid inside of us that keeps us all from going crazy. 
•  It's funny, I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves.
• Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something. 
•  But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too. 
• Nothing worth having comes easy. 
•  A person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need.
• It's funny how our perceptions can be so off. Like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't realize you've been there the whole time
• I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it
• Maybe the mistake we make is thinking our parents will change. And maybe they did a better job than we give them credit for. And maybe there, amid all the crap they dumped on us, are some things worth keeping. Like a passion for something you never knew you had. Or the ability to constantly surround yourself with people who love you.
•  I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You'd never know it, but there's most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you're feeling abandoned. Maybe because you realize that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should've handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity, or you can suck it up. It's your call.
• There are a few things I've always believed in. Flowers are good for any occasion. And nothing is more important than making time for an old friend, especially if the old girl has seen better days. Because even if it breaks your heart to be "just friends," if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.
•  I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.
• here comes a time when every man needs to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or whether it's a personal choice. In the end, it's about integrity, and it's about chasing after what you really want, even if that means showing you both care a little. And sometimes... well, sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make.
• And right then we all realised the value of the romantic gesture, from one person who loves someone, to another.
• I guess it's because we all want to believe that what we do is important, that people hang on our every word, that they care what we think. But the truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better.

Cooking With Michelle Part 2

So after dangerous driving we get back to Michelle's house to try and bake everything. We get into the normal rhythm of cooking where I go to the computer and turn on the Numa Numa song for our ritual dance around the kitchen.

After we get all worked up from that Michelle starts pulling out the pans we need to cook. I had never baked anything besides cookies and brownies so my job was to stir or just watch in amazement. I love cracking eggs so Michelle was kind enough to let me do that. Then I got to stir the ingredients in the bowl. 

As this was my first time making these types of sweets I learned a valuable lesson. The raw mix tastes horrible. Just terrible. Cake mix tastes like bad pudding and I can't even describe the horror of cupcake mix. Brownie mix has given me such a false idea of the taste of these items. It's not fair that cake mix looks so similar to brownie mix and makes me expect it to be good. I forever hate it for that. It's like eating a skittle expecting it to be an M&M. Your face revolts against itself when the taste isn't right. You feel like your tongue is trying to slap you in the face for doing that to it. Not only that, the aftertaste will not leave you alone either. It takes forever to get rid of it. It's something you regret for a week afterwards. I'm cringing just writing about it over a year later. Beware raw cake and cupcake mix. Beware!

To be continued

A Few Good Tears

"It's only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything."-Tyler Durden

 Have you ever had that day where even if in perspective life isn't that bad, but it feels like everything's wrong? Those days when curling in bed with chocolate and crying is all you can do? These people just get labeled as emo and get scoffed at. I know a person who just says "at least it's not the Holocaust."

I mean is it so bad that we get sad and self absorbed sometimes? Do people really think it's such a bad thing that we break down and let things get to us? Are we bad people if we don't put life in perspective and give up for a day? Are we bad for being sad that we were dumped, or we're in a fight with a good friend and show that we are sad, instead of being glad for what we have, not what we lost? We see it all the time. "Be thankful for what you have, not sad for what you have not," "it's not getting what you want it's wanting what you've got" "big girls don't cry" or even "there's people who's lives are worse than yours, what are you complaining about?" It makes it hard for us to let ourselves feel when people shove this in our faces all the time.

I think it's important for us to sometimes take a day and feel sad about things. It's what helps us then move passed it. When you get the cry out, you can then move on. When people act happy all the time and don't let things out, I think it makes it worse for them. That's when it builds and becomes the ugly gremlin that ruins you. Medically, it's actually possible to die from a broken heart. You can't get passed something like that if you don't let yourself feel the pain and give in to it. Only by giving in can we then grow accustomed to it, and one day stronger than it.

Sadness is like a virus, you have to wait it out. Sure, you can fight it with things, but it will just over come your defenses and grow stronger. You have to subdue it and let it run it's course. Then you get passed it and your body has learned how to fight it.

Sometimes things just need let out to be solved. It's not a matter of burning the bridge, but accepting that it's there and daring to take another route. When you allow yourself to feel the emotions and accept them, you'll find out how strong you actually are and that you can get through this.